Like I said before the re-cap, I had a ton of new material, the means/know how/ equipment to record, master, and release an album...At the peak of playing shows, featuring shows, writing, recording, shooting an album cover etc... I completely threw myself into starting my business and left my quasi completed recordings in Protools (recording program) at static levels.
After starting my business and going through the first sessions, I was proud in once sense but secretly disappointed in my flighty-ness and asked myself why I turned my back on this project. I never stopped playing and writing, but I did stop working on the album.
Instead I played Beatles's songs, and wrote kid songs that took all of 10 minutes, made instruments, sang and danced - encouraging our UpBeatBabies to explore their creativity and musicality, at the same time I had shelved mine...
What a hypocrite, right?
Recently on a car ride with my fiance (the type that you end up talking about random thoughts left stagnant in the mind). I started to tell him that I want to restart the album project.
With that finally! look he told me something that I already knew, never shared, and needed to hear.
I had stopped, yes in part to starting UpBeatBaby, but because I didn't believe in myself. I can write songs, I have always been received warmly on stage, I've had many nice compliments from people that have been in the scene for a long time... but I always discounted it, and shrugged it off.
During the recording process I scrutinized to the point that I would do and redo, again and again, over and over again, thus accomplishing nothing. I did record some roughs. But was in the process of redoing those for the "finished project"- still in my hard drive.
This is a pattern, I recognized it in audio school too. As the only young woman in my class I was very quiet, kept to myself, and barely did projects with a partner (which we were supposed to do, but I always found a loop hole). But as the girl from Jersey, I was usually very out going and loud. God forbid the question "Do you play?" "er. yea. a little.
I discounted myself.
I submerged myself in the gear and tech side, and rarely played any music to anyone. When I had a few I'd jam with a group, but only after a few, and only this that and the other thing....
I will never forget this...The last week of me being in Nashville one of my friends from school stopped over to wish my luck and say good bye. In the house full of boxes in the middle of the mess that was my life at the time, he saw my keyboard and asked if I would pleeease play a song. He had never heard a song, I grumbled "alright"- At the time I really hated playing in front of "a" person, it was too intimate for my comfort zone.
After the first song (I think I played two)
It was the strangest reaction I had ever received, he was still, quiet, laughing and shaking his head, and making sounds like, puh, uhh, whaa...he was shocked and REALLY pissed off that I had withheld. He was/ and still is to this day, especially when I said I'd send him tracks when I got settled in NJ...
but never did. sorry man.
Fun fact... I had secretly entered a songwriting contest via YouTube, my video went over by 1 second and by the time I got the email disqualifying my song and urging me to submit a 1 second shorter one... it was due the day before... oh well. It remained on you tube until I met my now fiance.
The first time I cooked for him he quoted that submitted song, trying to be cute and coy, he was received by a reaction he definitely didn't expect... I thought I had subconsciously plagiarised some unknown poet or song, I was fuming inside over that line, I couldn't wait to tear up the verse and re-write...
Little did I know he had looked me up and found that song on YouTube and memorized it. We laughed it off and after dinner I brought him into my music room and played for him. I had never done that before and have it feel so right.
He really encouraged me to do open up, he got me to do my first Open Mic night in NJ as a Valentine's Day present for him (I'm a sucker, no?). Together we went full force in it for months and months, and then... it. just. stopped. He questioned but accepted my (b.s.) decision. Until that car ride.
"I believed in you, more that you did." I'm lucky enough to have some one who does, some aren't.
I really hate to disappoint.
I think I'll make a mason jar and stick my insecurities in there, and them keep them on a shelf... that's where they can stay.
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